Do what I please, gonna spread the disease, because I wanna. Gonna call all the shots for the "No"s and the "Not"s, because I wanna.

That is a 646 pound catfish that was caught on the Mekong River in Thailand. That is also my wife's worst nightmare. Swimming in the ocean...no problem. Snorkeling with dolphins? No biggie. Giant rays? Fantastic. Nurse sharks? A-OK. None of that bothers her.

But ask her to dip a single toe in a murky river or lake, and she says, "Hell, no." She went to college on the banks of the Mississippi River (I go through the children's chant every time I have to spell that word...M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I), and we often spent time on the Mississippi. We took a couple canoe trips, and contemplated renting a houseboat and kicking back... but she drew a very bright line... She Would Not Be Swimming In The River.

Why?

"Because there are probably huge, mutant, really creepy catfish down there. Nobody really knows what the hell lives there."

I guess she was right...

And now, I'm a little freaked out, just like when I lived in LA and used to surf, boogie board, body surf and swim in the ocean with utter impunity and very little thought of what I was swimming with... even though I frequently saw dolphins and an occasional whale in the water. But then I saw an aerial photograph of the beach in LA, with the little surfers bobbing in the water, and all around them, and underneath them, were hundreds and hundreds of Very Large Fish, Some Of Which Were Sharks. When you're alone, bobbing on your board between sets, you start to think of what is under you.

Whew. Guess we got out of the Midwest, and away from the dangerous murky rivers and giant, mutant freak catfish.

All we have to worry about now is the Supervolcano that is Yellowstone, pesky little grizzlies, wolves, mountain lions and the little known Killer Trout.

And, of course, rabbits.

Laugh, if you will, but those rodents have a vicious streak a mile wide.



Look at the bones! How do you think they got there?