Tuesday, September 20, 2005

This may come as a shocking surprise. I have to walk away. I have to kiss it goodbye. Goodbye my love. ...
Walk away and taste the pain.

I took a political test this morning.

My results will come as no surprise... Although, what is a surprise is that 6 long years ago, one beery night, my good friend and the most courteous vampire you will ever meet, Leo, accurately diagnosed me. We were shooting the shit. Leo is a staunchly conservative republican. (Do you know any outlaw biker gang vampire engineers who aren't?) He also is one of the smartest people I have ever met. Top 3, for sure. I promise you a series of stories explaining the whole Leo phenomenon, but I am waiting for Will Danger to GET OFF HIS ASS and send me the first installment, to set the stage for the saga of Leo, as it were.

But I digress... Leo is a die-hard conservative, which is easy to diagnose, as is a bleeding heart liberal. I was a little harder to place; I didn't even know what I was, politically. Leo, asked me a series of questions, and after about 3 minutes, he said, "You're a libertarian, Joe."

"I'm a fuckin' librarian?"

"No, a libertarian. As sure as my outlaw biker gang courteous vampire eyes can see, you are a libertarian."

"Whassat mean?"

"It means you're kind of liberal socially, but conservative economically.... The party line is basically shrink the government, institute a flat tax, don't fuck up the environment, legalize drugs, guns, abortion, and help the people who really need it, but with an eye to getting them on their feet and off the government's dime."

I was excited. "Wow. That sounds great. Everybody should be a libertarian. Where do I sign up?!"

"Well, that's the problem. The libertarian party candidate is almost always a nutjob."

"So, I'm a really a nutjob? One of the people who build bunkers?" (It is ironic that I eventually moved to Montana...)

"Well, yeah, but not politically speaking. Politically, you're a libertarian; you're just fucking nuts in every other aspect. For some reason, no actual libertarians ever can get anywhere on that ticket. The two party system is too strong. You should check out McCain, though. He's probably as close to your guy as there is."

"How did you get to be so goddamn smart, Leo?"

"Courteous vampire school, Joe. Those bloodsucking bitches taught me everything I know. But it really didn't coalesce til I started doing engineering work for the outlaw biker gang. That's where everything kinda came together for me."

So, here were my test results, yet again proving Leo's well-documented acumen:

Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(66% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Libertarian

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.


How a friggin' computer test can tell I have a sense of "Right and Wrong" is beyond me, but Leo is as smart as any computer I know, so I'm sticking with it.
===

P.S. Readers: Please send me any Leo stories that you might have... I am going to do one of those sleazy, unauthorized, semi (okay, "mostly") fictional biographies of Leo, here on the blog. The stories don't have to be true, nor do they have to be legal. They do not even have to be well-written. My dad is a t.v. repairman. He has an awesome set of tools. I can fix it.

P.P.S. If anyone has the original round-robin Courteous Vampire story that Will, Dan and I did, please send it.

You know the email.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

See this?

2:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Centrist.........I'll take it.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

Funny vampire link, Leo.

Except that Leo the Vampire does not look very courteous. In fact, he looks like the kind of weak-ass, rude vampire that works at Cinnabon on weekends.

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a

Social Liberal
(61% permissive)


and an...

Economic Conservative
(60% permissive)


You are best described as a:


Centrist


You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.


I love when software compliments me :)

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree Joe, Leo would easily be in the top three of my list. Of course, my "Tickle Me Elmo" talking doll is currently number 9...

Once we were all headed up to the cabin for the weekend, the stang overheated, Leo comes over, opens the hood, jumps up and down on the front bumper a few times, then says "try it now". It worked needless to say. Leo says "rust chip blockin a line...elementary"

You are a

Social Conservative
(36% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(80% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Republican

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Social Moderate
(56% permissive)
and
Economic Liberal
(38% permissive)

Centrist

I've been called worse. Actually a bit disappointed that I'm not a "flaming liberal"...

4:45 PM  
Blogger Henry Hill said...

You are a

Social Conservative
(35% permissive)


and an...

Economic Conservative
(86% permissive)


You are best described as a:


Strong Republican


You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

Dah...no shit! Its good to be the king (rich.)

I might post a vampire story later...I have met Leo and might know him well enough to put something together.

~HH~

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow I'm a true Democrat! - Liz
You are a

Social Liberal
(60% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(23% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Democrat

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

12:43 AM  
Blogger Andi said...

I appparently am a totalitarian...which is someone who believes in economic justice.

I think that this is just a reflection of where I live. There are a lot of benefits offered to the homeless in this city...people flock here from miles away to make living off the state a career...some of the people offer tips on how to do this & think that others are foolish for not doing so!

So, I guess this quiz confirms that I have changed a lot. Some homeless should not necessarily be left that way but they should definitely not be allowed to go on that way.

5:21 PM  

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