Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Baby, you can drive my car
And, baby, I love you
Beep-beep, beep-beep, yeah!

My auto insurance company and I have decided to part ways.

Apparently, Cincinnati Insurance has had enough of my speeding and car-crashing.

They broke up with me BY LETTER.

A form letter, no less, with a stamped signature!

Didn't even have the balls to tell me face to face.

Couldn't even tell the truth, either.

The letter says, "The reason for cancellation is INSURED MOVED OUT OF STATE."

But we both know that's not true.

After all this time, this is how you dump me?!

After the speeding tickets in 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 and 2004, this is how you dump me?!

After all we have been through.

Jeez, it's getting so a guy can't even rack up a dozen speeding tickets and wreck a few cars anymore.

Remember in 2000, when I spun that Lexus out and hit the guardrail on the bridge? That wasn't too bad. You even told me "you were just glad nobody got hurt." All we had to do was get a new front bumper.

I thought we got past that. Everybody moved on. In 2001, I got a new Lexus, which you were happy to insure. Everything seemed good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. That Lexus... that ended badly. It was a fluke. Really. How was I to know that torrential downpour would flood downtown Madison that severely?

It wasn't my fault.

I know, I know... it was terribly expensive. What could I do? I was driving in the middle lane on University Avenue and suddenly, the water was over 3 feet deep, flooding the engine, causing it to throw a rod, ruining all those fancy computers and totalling the car.

I said I was sorry. It was an act of God. What could I do?

I know you were pissed about that, but, again, I thought we moved past that.

I stopped with the Japanese cars, and we moved to German cars, an Audi this time. Now, I know what you are going to say... I know it is a fast car and I got a few tickets in it. Believe me, though, I would have been speeding in a Ford Escort. I am always in a hurry.

Yes, I know it is ironic that I received one of those speeding tickets because I was late for a trial... for a speeding ticket. Yes, I know it is even more ironic that I was representing a cop at that trial. Yes, I know I am the only one who thought it was funny.

No, the judge didn't think it was funny, either.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, yes. I had blocked that out.

It is so like you to bring up something from the past.

I told you that little incident in 2003 was a ONE-TIME thing.

Yeah, well, so what?

I decided to have a little fling with a rental car, so what? It was completely innocent. Antwaan Randle El was there! Nothing happened.

Well, I guess it wasn't nothing.

Yes, I know it was a brand-new Chevy Blazer.

Yes, I know it only had a thousand miles.

Yes, I know rolling it over is not the way to treat a brand new car.

Yes, I know I didn't take the rental insurance and you ended up having to clean that mess up, too.

I was only going ten miles an hour, WILL YOU JUST LET IT GO?!?

Does it mean ANYTHING to you that it was on that trip I decided to move here to Bozeman?

Oh, so now you're gonna bring up that "Moved Out of State Thing" again?

Well, screw you!

I'm glad I wrecked India's Subaru, and I'm GLAD you had to pick up the tab!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW WITHOUT ME IN YOUR LIFE, CINCINNATI INSURANCE COMPANY.

I HOPE YOU'RE FREAKING HAPPY.

AND I HOPE YOU'RE LONELY COME PREMIUM TIME IN JULY AND JANUARY. REMEMBER THAT?! REMEMBER THAT?! I WAS THERE FOR YOU, EVERY SIX MONTHS!

DOESN'T LOYALTY MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?!

BITCH.

---
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*Before you email to ask... yes, all that really happened.

Anybody want to go for a ride?

I'll drive.

4 Comments:

Blogger P. said...

That is fucking hilarious!

10:14 PM  
Anonymous brokejaw said...

I am hoping and praying that you went with Allstate. That blaek dude from 24 is awlfully convincing!

4:05 AM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

Sounds like bike riding is the way to go for you. Ever consider taking up driving race cars as a hobby on a closed track?

6:50 AM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Good thing you have your sweet bike.

8:19 AM  

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