Gone like my last paycheck, gone, gone away
Gone like the car I wrecked, gone, gone away
I've got an issue.
It is something that has been on my mind for years.
It really bothers me.
Almost as much as those guys in the silly biker outfits.
I am finally going to address it.
{deep breath}
Here goes...
Occasionally, I will see a friend whom I have not seen in a while.
And, once in a while, during the greeting, something happens that annoys me.
This applies only to dudes.
(Women don't even have to keep reading. In addition to being more graceful than men, reaching puberty before us, and remembering to do things like "change the sheets," they beat our asses in the "awkward greeting" department.)
Duder will come in for the handshake, and then apply the half-hug with the other arm, often applying a manly backslap or two.
What the hell is this?
Drives me fucking crazy.
It's always awkward as hell.
It's the hey, dude, I'm glad to see you, more than handshake glad, but not full-on hug glad... I mean, I'm not gay, and I certainly don't want you to think I'm gay, so I am just going for the half-hug, and since our hands are awkwardly clasped at our chest, I am just now feeling a teeny bit gay, so I am going to throw in a backslap just so you know I'm not hitting on you or anything greeting.
It's just dumb.
Dumber than the macho-who-can-squeeze-harder contest.
(My high school sweetheart's dad, Jerry, used to always do that to me. He's the only dude I ever met who could pull it off, because he always did it with a shit-eating grin and a sparkle in his eye that said, "Alright, you little shit. I know what you're up to...")
It's even dumber than those secret, multiple-move handshakes dudes in their 20's like to do that nobody ever taught me, yet people seemed to do all the time.
Shake my hand, do the fist-bump thing, or just give me the goddamn hug.
Hell, you can even pretend you're a Soprano and give me the full hug and an air-kiss on each cheek, Tony-style.
I promise I won't think you're gay.
Unless you stick your tongue down my throat and grab my junk or something like that.
You know what?
I would even understand if you did that.
After all, I know I drive a cool car and that when I get on the dance floor, grown men weep.
You might get a raised eyebrow, and a "whoa, dude."
But I would understand.
Just don't do the handshake-hug thing with me.
It is something that has been on my mind for years.
It really bothers me.
Almost as much as those guys in the silly biker outfits.
I am finally going to address it.
{deep breath}
Here goes...
Occasionally, I will see a friend whom I have not seen in a while.
And, once in a while, during the greeting, something happens that annoys me.
This applies only to dudes.
(Women don't even have to keep reading. In addition to being more graceful than men, reaching puberty before us, and remembering to do things like "change the sheets," they beat our asses in the "awkward greeting" department.)
Duder will come in for the handshake, and then apply the half-hug with the other arm, often applying a manly backslap or two.
What the hell is this?
Drives me fucking crazy.
It's always awkward as hell.
It's the hey, dude, I'm glad to see you, more than handshake glad, but not full-on hug glad... I mean, I'm not gay, and I certainly don't want you to think I'm gay, so I am just going for the half-hug, and since our hands are awkwardly clasped at our chest, I am just now feeling a teeny bit gay, so I am going to throw in a backslap just so you know I'm not hitting on you or anything greeting.
It's just dumb.
Dumber than the macho-who-can-squeeze-harder contest.
(My high school sweetheart's dad, Jerry, used to always do that to me. He's the only dude I ever met who could pull it off, because he always did it with a shit-eating grin and a sparkle in his eye that said, "Alright, you little shit. I know what you're up to...")
It's even dumber than those secret, multiple-move handshakes dudes in their 20's like to do that nobody ever taught me, yet people seemed to do all the time.
Shake my hand, do the fist-bump thing, or just give me the goddamn hug.
Hell, you can even pretend you're a Soprano and give me the full hug and an air-kiss on each cheek, Tony-style.
I promise I won't think you're gay.
Unless you stick your tongue down my throat and grab my junk or something like that.
You know what?
I would even understand if you did that.
After all, I know I drive a cool car and that when I get on the dance floor, grown men weep.
You might get a raised eyebrow, and a "whoa, dude."
But I would understand.
Just don't do the handshake-hug thing with me.
posted by Joe at
10:27 AM
7 Comments:
Ok Dude, I need a ruling on this hugging thing. Am I allowed to do the full hug, while wearing the cycling shorts?
CARP
P.S. Good call on the Jerry handshake. That guy was great!
I am constantly expected to know the rube-goldberg handshake here at school amongst the newly post-collegiate. What's worse, just when you think you have it figured out, apparently a new sequence is released and you're expected to just have been imbued with the knowledge of how to do it.
CARP- Ruling: no hugging in bike shorts. In fact, no shaking hands.
What you should be doing is putting on some real shorts as quickly as you can.
QUAGMIRE- I was friggin' delighted when I moved to LA for law school, and the surfer-SoCal dudes simplified it to the shake where you make it into a snap.
It was easy, and consistent.
(Did that make sense? As you released the handshake, thankfully a normal one, you slid your fingers down and made the snapping sound off each others middle fingers.)
finally some one had the balls to call of the greeting only Anne Rice should be able to write about. it's so homo-erotic only she could pull that off without havin me ..."run screaming into the hills" (A.Swergen)
hugs...fine
good 3 pump squeeze...done, great
it's almost as bad ....and if were to be sustained it would be...the close talker as seen on t.v.
GET OUT OF MY BUBBLE!
Yes, we still end the entire shake litany with the customary snap. The latest thing now is the "bang and pop". There's this first year dude who likes to do the pound thing where you bang your knuckles into his knuckes, right? But that's not enough for him. He insists that you "bang and pop". A split second after you smash your knuckles together you must rapidly pull your hand back towards yourself while spreading out your fingers jazz-hands style as if the knuckle banging actually resulted in a small explosion in each of your hands that blew your fingers apart. When ever he sees me he puts up the pound fist and I grudginly oblige the pound. He then castigates me for the lack of pop: "Dude, I bang and pop, alright?" Yeah Sparky? Well, I like to fist-fuck guys in the ass but I'm not making a big stink about YOUR lack of participation in MY greeting ritual so let's just call it even, shall we?
You guys crack me up.
Took me a day and a half, but caught up
TL
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