I've got another confession to make

I thought Prince was pretty damn good at halftime... and I don't even really like Prince. Of course, covering a "Best of You" (Foo) and "All Along the Watchtower" (Dylan) was an inspired choice. I zoned during "Purple Rain," because like I said, I really don't like Prince. But hey, enough of the backhanded compliment.

I have refrained from contacting any of my friends from the land of Illini (Dawg and UJ), opting instead to let them lick their wounds and heal from the trainwreck that is the Rex Grossman experience.

I've got a million calls to make today, and a bunch of "administrative details" to, um, administer. This brings me to my point: I need an intern, or maybe a butler. Think along the lines of "Darrin," who interned for Kramerica Industries and help Kramer mend chicken wire and build the prototype for the oil tanker bladder.

Pay will be negotiable, and duties will include writing things down when I tell you to "write that down," picking up and returning movies, light chauffering duties, occasional dog-walking, carrying an umbrella, tuning guitars, tuning snowboards, and, yes, mending chicken wire. (We here at The Dude Abides are using the chicken wire to create a series of elaborate mascot-style heads for use at Carnivale in Brazil, or maybe Mardi Gras, or maybe we are starting a mascot academy.)

We are in a period of growth here at The Dude Abides, and we want to return value to our shareholder. Despite maintaining a readership too modest for ad revenue, we are looking to expand into other areas of business development. Like mascot-style heads.

Please apply within.