Saturday, April 28, 2007

I've seen your picture
Your name in lights above it
This is your big debut
It's like a dream come true

I can only paint in broad brushstrokes. Metaphorically and literally. I simply can't put a fine point on it. See, I have always been a Big Picture guy. An idea man, if you will. (I'm an idea man, Chuck.)

My smoke alarms, which are wired into the house, started beeping in sequence. There are five. It took me a fifteen minutes of trying to isolate the random beeps, which were moving, to realize that they were beeping in order.

I cursed fluently and with a fervor that would make a whore blush.

Despite being plugged in, these goddamn things ALSO have batteries. Which I had to replace.

Not to mention, um, when the alarm first decided to announce, "HEY!! WE ARE ALL PLUGGED IN, BUT YOU NEED TO CHANGE OUR BATTERIES ANYWAY!! WE ARE GOING TO BEEP IN CIRCUIT, AND MAKE YOU WALK FROM ROOM TO ROOM, SWEARING LIKE A SAILOR, CERTAIN THAT THIS ONE JUST BEEPED ONLY TO HEAR A BEEP FROM THE OTHER ROOM!! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL GO TO WAL MART AND GET FIVE (5) NINE VOLT BATTERIES AT 11:30 P.M. WHILE WE CONTINUE TO BEEP!"..... Well, when it first went off, I was in a bit of a compromising position, so to speak.

And when you are in that position, well, let's just say that random shrieks and beeps circling your house like a stadium doing the wave can potentially cause grave problems.

I pulled through, though, because I am a warrior. Sorry, The Warrior. Shootin' at the walls of heartache, bang, bang.

I could've been hurt though.

Seriously.

I smell a lawsuit.

5 Comments:

Anonymous ktop said...

did the comprimising position you were in also include the use of nine volt batteries---and if not --why not ?

11:26 AM  
Anonymous NOTFredShero said...

It is a well known fact that Patty Smythe of SCANDAL is married to none other than John McEnroe

1:27 PM  
Blogger verlaine said...

That would be kind of bizarre, having random beeping noises going off.

Ever since I did the thing you do when you're really drunk and burning a pizza and the smoke alarm starts going off and you can't stop it so you just beat it with a broom until it stops making noises...well that was about 5 years ago and the smoke alarm hasn't made a damn peep since!

5:19 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

There's one good reason walmart's open 24 hrs.

1:12 PM  
Blogger hotlipz said...

You were taking a shit?

11:35 AM  

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