Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
There walks a lady we all know

Open letter to Messrs. Plant, Page, Jones and Bonham the Younger:

Dear Sirs-

News has reached me that you have performed a "one-time" Led Zeppelin reunion gig honoring Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of A&M records. I have seen clips and footage. I have read articles and interviews. I have watched televised interviews of other musicians who caught this one-time gig.

Word is: The Mighty Mighty Led Zeppelin is back, wearing steel that's bright and true while the Winds of Thor are blowing cold.

Apparently, 20 million people, myself included, entered a lottery to purchase one of 16,000 tickets to the show. I did not win, and I take issue with this, sirs.

I also take issue with the "one-time" concept. It is, sirs, in a word, Bullshit.

Walking side by side with death, the devil mocks my every step. The snow drives back the foot that's slow, The dogs of doom are howling more.

I beseech you, please re-think this foolish, ill-considered "one-time" idea.

As a fan who purchased Led Zeppelin I, Led Zeppelin II, Led Zeppelin III, Led Zeppelin IV, Houses of the Holy, Physical Graffiti, Presence, CO/DA and The Song Remains the Same on cassette, then on CD, and then the complete studio remastered recordings box set, AND purchased front row tickets to the 1995 Page-Plant tour, which changed my life, in addition to spending countless hours drawing Zoso, the feather and the interlocking circle symbols all over my trapper keeper folders in 9th grade, I am highly qualified to deliver my opinion on this topic.

Oh, in addition, I participated in an "air guitar" contest at a High School Dance with fellow Dude Abides readers, K-Top and Bells. We did "Good Times, Bad Times." Unashamedly. And we placed third, which is no mean feat, considering the desolate wasteland that was popular music in 1985, and our selection from your eponymous 1969 debut album.

I must state my complete and utter disagreement with the sentiment issued by Mr. Plant in the final paragraph of the most recent Rolling Stone cover story:

And if there is no more Zeppelin after December 10th, "That's fine," Plant says, "because we will do it with a good heart. Ahmet will look down and go 'Hey, guys!' Bonzo will smile. Pat (Bonham) will feel really good. Jason (Bonham) will stand up and go 'Yeah!' Jimmy will take a bow. Jonesy will shrug. And" - Plant briefly turns on the old rock-god wail- "I'll be going, 'Baby, baby, baby!"

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's NOT 'fine.'

It's pretty fucking far from 'fine.'

In fact, it is completely unacceptable.

In light of my impeccable credentials as a Led Zeppelin fan of the highest order, you owe me more.

Fire up the jet.

Fly it to Bozeman, Montana. We have a private airfield for wealthy people such as yourselves. There are many beautiful things to see in our area. There is a plethora of fine dining options. You could stay at Bill Gates' house in the Yellowstone Club.

I will pick you up at the airport, and drive you to my house.

There, in my living room, in return for the tidy sum of $ 250, per member, you will perform a simple, two-hour set to honor me, just as you honored Mr. Ertegun on December 10th, 2007.

Hmm? Hmm?

Think about it.

It's the right thing to do.

It's what he would have wanted.

This is not a joke. If you want, I can throw in some light refreshments, as well as a bowl of m&m's with all of the brown ones removed.

Thank you for your kind consideration of this outstanding, and if I may say, generous offer.


Your Biggest Fan,

Joseph M. Militello, Jr., Esq.

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Anonymous ktop said...

First off I'd like to say "Here here" in accordance and agreement of your demand for performance. The location could be an issue as Bells and I don't live in Boseman though Bells is consideralby closer. Also--did we REALLY do that? (air guitar contest)
And we only took 3rdp place !! wtf?
We could JAM. Like in the sense of Zack Delaroche saying " JAM suckers jam groove suckers groove suckers"
One last thing. I fear in your enthusiasm and outrage you may have had your rock and roll mythology skewed...and it doesn't really matter but wasn't it Van Halen that was pissy about the browm M&M thing in thier contract or is that basically industry standard started by Led Zeppelin and taken up out of superstition by all other serious rock bands kinda like a baseball player that wears the same left legging to evry game for fear of losing his mojo ? With Barry Bonds excluded from any and all superstitious rituals because--hey,who needs superstious ritual when you've got the juice on your side?
And by juice I mean performance enhancing drugs and a complete lack of recall as to how said substances were placed in your system to be tested for in the first place.No amount of "where's my lucky toothpick,socks,head to rub,et al,....?" can excuse or deal with that kind of dishonesty and lack of integrity...but I digress.
Good Day Sir
I said good day.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

Yes, we really did that, K-Top. The dance was at St. Pete's. It was 9th grade-ish.

We spent a lot of time deciding just which Zep song to play, and we chose this one because it had equally sweet vocal, guitar, bass and drum lines, so everyone got a chance to show our mad skillz.

Too goddamn funny.

And the brown m&m thing was jjust a courtesy offer.

I'd have offered a mud shark and a television, but, ah, they are 6o now and may have outgrown such antics.

If they take me up on the offer, we'll find a way to get you out here.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous ktop said... sir. Can't do it. That's just toooooo much Zappa.
I do remember now about the damn air guitar competition. WOW !!
And to think me...e-pod and t-rex all used to jam to Shout At the Devil in our den using --get this---using painted blue old tennis rackets. I think we started with Kiss (Alive)...and moved on up from there.
" I wanna rock and roll all night...and party ev-a-ree day "


9:09 PM  
Blogger Tanaya said...

I think you've got them with Esq. thing. How can they refuse a man with a title?

8:34 AM  
Anonymous mop said...

I saw them 3 times and you didn't...nah, nah, naaaaaah, nah, nah, naaaaaah!!!!

11:53 AM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Let me know when this all works out and I'll put a check in the mail...

2:38 PM  
Blogger Motor City Monk said...

I'd prefer to see a Squeeze reunion, sir.

7:24 AM  

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