Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I should have changed the fucking lock
I would have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

I know that my maturity level, lifestyle, sense of humor, hobbies and interests are those of a nineteen year old. I snowboard all the time. I kayak. I love to party. My life revolves around "Fun." For crying out loud, I have a room in my house I have dubbed, "The Beat Laboratory."

But yesterday and today, I really, really, really feel middle-aged.

Why, you ask?

About a month ago, I got up at 3 in the morning to pee, in and of itself a neon, flashing billboard that screams, "MIDDLE AGED!!!"

About three steps into this journey to the bathroom, I felt a stabbing pain in my lower left abdomen. It really hurt. I thought, "Wow. I pulled a muscle walking to pee in the middle of the night. What the fuck?"

I did my business, ignored it and went back to bed. It recurred in weird situations- bending down to tie my shoe, when I would twist to the side and pick up something heavy, things like that. I ignored it, figuring it would fix itself. This is par for the course- I don't really ever go to the doctor. I cracked a rib and slightly separated my shoulder last year, andthat was the one time I went to the doctor in the last five or so years.

Well, it didn't fix itself, and the stabbing pains continued. I had a phone conversation with the friendliest retired doctor I know, and he says, "You have a hernia."

"What?!"

"Lay down."

"O.K."

"Poke your belly button. Is it like you're pressing a balloon in and out?"

"Uh, yeah. And it's kind of cool."

"That's a hernia."

I go in for a surgical consult tomorrow.

Yes, I got a hernia walking to pee at 3 a.m.

If that's not middle-aged, I don't know what is.

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me know what the doctor says. I have one of those, but I'm ignoring it until it gets too big. It doesn't hurt though.

Mop

9:16 AM  
Blogger Molly Bell said...

Next stop Depends!

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn homie...in high school you waz da man homie...the fuck happened to you? (50 cent's golden words). oh, and I didn't go to high school with you. we iz budz tho ;)

4:56 PM  
Blogger P. said...

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of my uncle because he had an umbilical hernia that pooched out. I wouldn't go near him. So don't be scaring little children, Dude. Seriously though, sorry about that, but I'm sure getting it fixed before snowboard season is high priority. And I bet you really got it practicing your awesome rock star moves in the Beat Lab/Boogie Station, right?

Screaming neon middle-age signs wake me up in a sweat at four-fucking-fourteen in the morning on a regular basis lately. File that shit under things that really suck too.

11:59 PM  

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