Sunday, July 10, 2005

Like Sam the Butcher, bringin' Alice the meat.
Like Fred Flinstone drivin' around with bald feet.

Those of you who know me, know that they didn't coin the phrase "Everything in Moderation" with me in mind.

In fact, if they had, it would have read "Absolutely Nothing in Moderation."

And the phrase, "A Place for Everything and Everything in Its Place," would read, "A Complete Fucking Mess."

And on the Nutritional Information portion on pints of Ben & Jerry's, they would print, "You're sniffing glue if you think this will last for 4 servings."

And on twelve packs of beer, instead of "Enjoy in moderation. Please drink responsibly," they would print, "Enjoy in one sitting. Don't worry, we'll make more."

Anyway, I'm taking the opportunity with this move to make some lifestyle changes, and maybe extend my life span past 50 or 60. It is important that we enjoy our drooling years.

According to the doctor, I have the constitution of a rhinoceros, and I am fortunate that I have maintained a regular & vigorous exercise routine, so I haven't done much long term damage. I was expecting far worse, like, "You have the liver, heart and lungs of a 90 year old man. Live now, while you can, and don't buy anything with an expiration date past two weeks."

Instead, he made some recommendations for dietary and other changes that will help detoxify my system and change body chemistry. He also gave me some supplements to help this occur. I won't bore you with the details, but part of the dietary changes involve cutting back on caffeine and elimination of foods containing white sugar and white flour.

(Did you know that alcohol and sugar have a similar effect on the body and wreak havoc on the metabolic system? Well, similar, except sugar leaves out all the stumbling, slurring and thinking you are the world's best dancer.)

I nixed the booze when I moved, although I maintain the belief that I am still a shit-hot dancer.

My consumption of sugar, white flour and caffeine, however, was such that, if hooked to a generator, they could unplug everyone else from The Matrix, and Las Vegas would run on Joe-power alone.

Interestingly, I am further told that an increase in consumption of these items occurs when one gives up alcohol, and this was indeed true in my case. Oddly, I have lost weight since leaving Wisconsin, despite enjoying the dietary equivalent of mainlining Mountain Dew/Cap'n Crunch speedballs and snorting Pixie Stix daily. I guess refraining from dipping the Mountain Dew, Cap'n Crunch and Pixie Stix in batter and deep frying it in lard, Wisconsin-style, makes a difference.

Anyway, this change meant no more marscapone cheese fruit tarts, Ben & Jerry's, toffee bars, white chocolate mousse, creme brule, chocolate chunk cookies, death by chocolate cake, key lime pie, 20 oz. vanilla-raspberry milkshakes, Pepperidge Farm Milanos, Rolos, peanut butter cookies, or cream cheese cinnamon rolls... (Um, I didn't just make up that list. I actually ate all that shit over the last couple weeks. And somehow I lost weight. Go figure.)

Back to the point... the doctor recommended I only cut down on caffeine, rather than eliminate it, thank L. Ron Hubbard, or I would experience some serious withdrawal symptoms. So, I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Now, Joe-Power, fueled only by caffeine, will only be sufficient to light up Laughlin and Elko.

I am on my 4th day without sugar or white flour, in any form. (Did you experience a rolling brownout? I think our lights dimmed.) I have never been on any kind of diet before in my entire life. All kinds of strange things are happening... Severe headaches. Foul emanations. Sudden, narcoleptic crashes. Violent mood swings, from blissful calm:

To "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

I may need further testing... I think I have become a 14 year old girl, or Phillip, the Hypo-Hyper.

I may need to be fitted for a harness and helmet.

But I will stick with it, nonetheless.