Tuesday, October 18, 2005

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile...

I just gave blood.


Well, my reasons are both noble and complex.

OK, they hooked me with the free cookies.

I am not talking about any bullshit, crumbly, stale-ass sugar cookies, either.

I am talking big, soft, gooey chocolate chip cookies.

They also had cinnamon rolls.

"Um, sir? Could you please move along?"

"But I am supposed to stay for 15 minutes, for my own safety."

"Sir, you have been here for an hour."

"I think I feel faint. One more cookie would get my strength back."

"Sir, we're running out of cookies. Please leave."

"How abut a cinnamon roll?"

"Get out. Just get out."

I also like making the lady squirm during my too-long pauses after questions like:

"Have you traveled to Gabon in the last year?"

Pursed lips. Thoughtful look... Was it Gabon, or was it the Congo? The Ivory Coast?

"Have you recently been in close contact with anyone else's smallpox vaccination site?"

Eyebrows furrowed. Well, I was sniffing around her vaccination site this morning, but she has so many... how was I to know if it is smallpox, whooping cough or polio?

"Have you had sex with anyone in exchange for drugs or money since 1977?"

Hmmmm. Do Twinkies count? Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? Damn, this is hard.

Have you given anyone money or drugs in exchange for sex?

I did trade half a salmon and some raccoon pelts for a handjob in the Yukon once. Does that count as money? Probably not. He looked clean.

My favorite question today was:

"Since 1977, have had sex with another man........ even once?"

They must have been getting a lot of "Welllll. Once, in 1979, behind a dumpster..."

"Suurrre. Just the once, then?"


"OK, you're going to feel a prick, then squeeze this ball every five seconds."

"That's exactly what the guy behind the dumpster said!"