Saturday, March 18, 2006

Yeah she gives a smile when the pain comes.
Pain gonna make everything alright.

I broke my new snowboard today.

Snapped it just in front of the binding coming down one of the Dictator Chutes.

I've never seen anything quite like it before.

I was getting after it on a very steep slope, with deep, heavy powder; charging an aggressive line with very little sideways travel.

The nose went into a large, soft bump, and suddenly, there was a huge *CRACK*.

I completely endo-ed.

When I looked down at my board, the front half was pointing skyward, at a right angle to the rest of the board. It looked like a wayward boner.

I was amused, incredulous and pissed, by equal turns.

Now I had to descend 3000 vertical feet on the remaining half of my board.

That was an interesting challenge. I managed to get down without incident.

Since it was a powder day, and I was with two people, I rented another board to finish out the day. The only one they had that was near my specifications was a Sherman Tank of a board. (I ride ... *ahem* rode... the biggest, stiffest board Burton makes, a 173 cm Triumph... so I needed the biggest board they had.) I think this rental board was made of cast iron.

I managed to rally and salvage the day. It was a powder day, after all.

Nevertheless, I had some difficulties with this board. It was about twice as heavy, and not nearly as responsive as my board, which now suffers from an erection lasting longer than four hours, which, as we know, should merit a trip to the doctor.

(Just what the fuck do they do when somebody comes in and has a Viagra-boner that just won't go away? Let the air out? Start talking baseball? Show him pictures of grandmothers?)

Trying to handle this aircraft carrier led to a minor incident in some trees, when I couldn't snap a turn quickly enough and my left hip clipped a tree stump.

That hurt.

When I got back to Bozeman, I visited my friendly, neighborhood board shop, World Boards. The tech there informed me I was fucked, since the damage was caused by impact, rather than a manufacturing defect. I'm still gonna give it a whirl. I was a lawyer, after all; I can be a colossal pain in the ass.

So, I bought a new one... after a whopping 6.5 days on the old one.

When and if I replace my camera, I'll take a picture of the old one. It is fairly remarkable damage, soliciting a "Holy shit, how did you do that?" from two board shops.

It seems like karma is pissing down my leg and telling me it's raining lately. (I managed to crash India's car the other day, continuing the string of wonderful luck.)

I can't get too bent out of shape. Because, really, in the grand scheme of things...

What the hell do I have to bitch about?

Absolutely nothing.

Besides, much like the Wizard behind the curtain, my body is run by an 8th grader living inside me. He pulls all the switches, throws levers, pushes buttons and tells me what to do. This inner 14-year-old's perspective colors all my decisions & actions. He laughs at fart jokes; snickers at sexual innuendo; loves things that go fast and possibly explode; he digs Led Zeppelin; and he compels me to drop three boner references in the opening paragraphs of a post.

And my inner 8th grader thinks snapping a board like that is pretty damn cool.

Tomorrow, my friend McC is squiring me around Bridger Bowl (for free!). I guess we're gonna "hike the ridge," which is the apparently the badass thing to do there.

I hadn't thought much of it until I talked to McC, and he mentioned he would bring an avalanche transceiver and a shovel for me. Apparently they are required.


And then he used the term, "Mandatory Air," in reference to dropping in to certain sections. I guess there are some obstacles you have to clear, and the only way to do it is through, well, Mandatory Air.

That got my attention.

Regardless, I don't imagine it could be that bad, though. A lot of people hike the ridge. And, like Beyonce, I'm a survivor. Plus, it is snowing like hell out, which kinda makes everything alright.

I'll be sure to give a smile when the pain comes.

Pain gonna make everything alright.

Hopefully, though, Karma will take the day off tomorrow, or at least cut me a little slack.