Singin' songs for pimps with tailorsWho charge ten dollars at the door

So, tomorrow, there is this concert.

The Rolling Stones.

And my friend, Mike, of Mike-and-Annie-who-baked-me-a-birthday-cake, not to be confused with Tony, who apparently doesn't give a damn about me or my feelings...

TONY. GODDAMN TONY AND HIS STUPID FAMILY AND GODDAMN HOUSE THAT THE CARES ABOUT MORE THAN ME. DAMN HIM!

just give me a minute here to pull it together...

Anyway, Mike, he organized this whole Rolling Stones excursion, in addition to baking me a cake, unlike Tony, WHO DID NOTHING.

And I found out that he invited some "females," in the parlance of our times.

I guess one is a fiery, 31-year-old, redhead, hot lawyer-woman who is eager to meet me.

He not only baked me a cake with Annie, he got the Stones tickets, and invited this chica caliente...

and it really only reinforces how much Tony let me down.

Have no fear, though.

I will exact my revenge.

In kind.

I will be in the Dam from November 30th through Dec. 3.

And if Tony foolishly leaves his stupid halloween pumpkins on his porch for an extra four weeks, rest assured, said pumpkins will be lying in shattered pieces on his driveway.

I don't care how much his kids cry.

I will smash the hell out your pumpkins, Tony.

At this point, I know some of you are thinking that my chosen path for revenge may not bear fruit.

You may wonder why, why would Tony still have his Halloween pumpkins out a month after Halloween.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

BECAUSE HE FORGETS THINGS.

LIKE MY BIRTHDAY.

I am so gonna smash the shit out of Tony's rotten, forgotten pumkins.

So you say it's your birthday

Holy Macaroni.

I sure did get a lot of birthday wishes.

My phone was busier than Paris Hilton's... well... on a... I will just let you complete that thought.

Anyway, damn.

Thank you Blain, India, Brig, Bells, Mom, Lizzy, Molly, Katie, Lucy, Joey, Dad, Hotlipz, UJ, Antuan, Husker, P., Dan-O, Mike, Sassy Brown, Annie, Sojourner, Chuck Fucking J., Romano...

Mike and Annie even baked me a cake, for crying out loud.

I mean, Jiminy Christmas!

I haven't had that many birthday wishes ever, I don't think.

Thanks, dudes. And chicks.

Especially the chicks.

And a special thanks to Anonymous, who commented:

Tony Parker and Eva Longoria split up. Dude, I think you should go for it.

You know what?

I think I will.

I have been sleeping in a tent near her house with a transistor radio, a tin foil helmet and a Ouija board, and I have been getting some positive signals.

So, I am going to just go for it.

(Is anyone sick of this picture yet?



Because I'm not.)

Oh and, as far as birthday thank you's, I tried not to forget anybody, and if I did, I am sorry...

But there is someone I don't want to forget.

I'M TALKING TO YOU, TONY. (T-REX)



I WOULD LIKE TO JUST SAY THANKS, THANKS A LOT FOR NOT REMEMBERING MY BIRTHDAY.

IF YOU THINK HAVING A 2 YEAR OLD AND A ONE YEAR OLD AND REMODELING YOUR FUCKING HOUSE TO MAKE A NEW LIVING ROOM WHERE YOUR STUPID GARAGE USED TO BE IS ANY KIND OF EXCUSE, WELL IT ISN'T.

YOU FUCKER.

YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN LIVING ROOM.

AND YOUR BABIES, TOO.

I GUESS I KNOW WHERE I STAND.

THIS REALLY TELLS ME A LOT ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER, YOUR VALUES, AND YOUR PRIORITIES.

TONY, IT'S OVER.

I AM SOOOO DONE.

I AM TIRED OF YOU BEING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.

I MEAN, I TRY TO TALK AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SOLVE THE PROBLEM. SOMETIMES I JUST NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE PROBLEM, RATHER THAN JUST CUTTING THINGS SHORT WITH A LOGICAL, CONCISE SOLUTION. IT HELPS ME TO PROCESS THINGS AND JUST GO ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WITH IT UNTIL IT IS 2 A.M. AND YOU HAVE TO WORK AT 7.

YOU DON'T LISTEN.

YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN, TONY.

I HAVE NEEDS.

WAIT A MINUTE?

ARE YOU FUCKING SLEEPING?!

DID YOU FALL ASLEEP!?!?!

YOU SELFISH BASTARD.

FUCK YOU, TONY.

FUCK YOU.



I hope you all have a lovely... Wednesday?

Is today Tuesday?

Wednesday.

Anyway, have a good random mid-week day, cocktoasters.

Except for Tony.

Fuck him.

I hope he has a Wretched Wednesday.