Saturday, September 23, 2006

She once believed
In every story he had to tell
One day, she stiffened
Told the other side

You guys are going to like this...

This is a poem I wrote in 2nd Grade.

India found it and had it framed for me.

It is really funny.

It is a picture-of-a-picture, since I am too lazy to take it out of the frame to scan it, so you're just gonna have to deal...

Here is the text, verbatim:

(First, please note the completed Tic-Tac-Toe game in the upper margin. Classic.)

The Giraffe

I rather think Gir-

affes are nice standing

on frezzing ice with

thier long necks.



And check out the accompanying picture.

A goddamn ice-skating giraffe.

He's all smooth, crossing his front leg over the other, like the cool dudes I would see at the Roller Rink on the weekend.

I wish I was that smooth.

If I had it to do over, I'd only change one thing.

I'd leave the spelling as is, because it shows how street I am.

I would, however, add a scarf to the Giraffe's neck.

But, hell, it's pretty damn good as it is.

And, for icing on the cake, here is Joey:


I just wanna scream
My God, it's been so long
Never thought you'd
Well now here you are

Look what I bought today:

My neighbors love me.

Love. Me.

Here is my house, or "pad," in the parlance of our times.

There is kind of a musical amazonian pigmy headhunter vibe developing here.

'Cause that's how I roll.

Rock out with your cock out.

Jam out with your clam out.

My neighbors are literally 15 feet away on either side.

Like I said, they Love me.

Yes, that is a didgeridoo you see in the background... here is another look:

Didgeridoo, didgeridee. I believe the aboriginee.

I can't play it though. You have to do something called "circular breathing" to play it.

I know...

Like Neo said.


Circular breathing.

If I could master circular breathing, I could perform Inward Singing.

It would make Non-Stop Rocking possible.

The most powerful tool in singing technology since yodeling.

Think about it, man.

When Rock Singers are singing, they are only Rocking you half the time.

The other time they're... they're... they're... they're...

They're breathing in

But not any more, baby! HAHAHA!

Not with inward singing. Check it out!!!

[Singing] And then I start some lyrics and you
[Inward Singing] Can't believe I'm singing
[Singing] And I'm never fucking stopping and I'm
[Inward Singing] Always fucking singing
[Singing] Now you know that I will never
[Inward Singing] Stop the fucking singing
[Singing] I'm like a fucking one man band, I'm like a fucking one man band!

And I can sing like that... All Fucking Night.

(P.S. In case you think I am going all sensitive and having a prozac moment with all this inward singing yodeling technology stuff... that is a Tenacious D bit, from their album, which may well be the greatest album of all time.)

A few of my Big Time Lawyer buddies from L.A. sent me some emails in response to my witness badgering-style emails.

(Hey, that could be another euphemism for jacking off... "I'm gonna go badger the witness."

I like it.

In the same vein as "Rough up the suspect," yet lawyer specific.

I like it.)

It was great to hear from them.

This trip to LA in November is shaping up nicely.

^^That is a little steel drum. It is pretty cool.

A full-size one would be Beyond Cool, but they are like, a thousand dollars.

I don't have that kind of money.

Although if I went for it, I could host the Jamaican Bobsledding team at my house, and they would feel right at home.

Bells can play that thing pretty damn well.

The other thing is this carved wood drum.

Those little tongues are carved in the top, and you play it with those superball mallets sticking out of it.

It sounds really cool.

Both of those sound really great when we play "Jane Says."

They play steel drums in Jane Says, by the way. Just listen.

The Wah Pedal.

Shortened from it's full American Indian name: The Wah-Chikka-Wah-Chikka-Wow-Wow-Wow Pedal.

I am John Dunbar.



He Who Warrrrn-Wow-Wow-Chikka-Chikka-Wah-Wahs

Whaddya gonna do?