Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
There walks a lady we all know

Open letter to Messrs. Plant, Page, Jones and Bonham the Younger:

Dear Sirs-

News has reached me that you have performed a "one-time" Led Zeppelin reunion gig honoring Ahmet Ertegun, the founder of A&M records. I have seen clips and footage. I have read articles and interviews. I have watched televised interviews of other musicians who caught this one-time gig.

Word is: The Mighty Mighty Led Zeppelin is back, wearing steel that's bright and true while the Winds of Thor are blowing cold.

Apparently, 20 million people, myself included, entered a lottery to purchase one of 16,000 tickets to the show. I did not win, and I take issue with this, sirs.

I also take issue with the "one-time" concept. It is, sirs, in a word, Bullshit.

Walking side by side with death, the devil mocks my every step. The snow drives back the foot that's slow, The dogs of doom are howling more.

I beseech you, please re-think this foolish, ill-considered "one-time" idea.

As a fan who purchased Led Zeppelin I, Led Zeppelin II, Led Zeppelin III, Led Zeppelin IV, Houses of the Holy, Physical Graffiti, Presence, CO/DA and The Song Remains the Same on cassette, then on CD, and then the complete studio remastered recordings box set, AND purchased front row tickets to the 1995 Page-Plant tour, which changed my life, in addition to spending countless hours drawing Zoso, the feather and the interlocking circle symbols all over my trapper keeper folders in 9th grade, I am highly qualified to deliver my opinion on this topic.

Oh, in addition, I participated in an "air guitar" contest at a High School Dance with fellow Dude Abides readers, K-Top and Bells. We did "Good Times, Bad Times." Unashamedly. And we placed third, which is no mean feat, considering the desolate wasteland that was popular music in 1985, and our selection from your eponymous 1969 debut album.

I must state my complete and utter disagreement with the sentiment issued by Mr. Plant in the final paragraph of the most recent Rolling Stone cover story:

And if there is no more Zeppelin after December 10th, "That's fine," Plant says, "because we will do it with a good heart. Ahmet will look down and go 'Hey, guys!' Bonzo will smile. Pat (Bonham) will feel really good. Jason (Bonham) will stand up and go 'Yeah!' Jimmy will take a bow. Jonesy will shrug. And" - Plant briefly turns on the old rock-god wail- "I'll be going, 'Baby, baby, baby!"

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's NOT 'fine.'

It's pretty fucking far from 'fine.'

In fact, it is completely unacceptable.

In light of my impeccable credentials as a Led Zeppelin fan of the highest order, you owe me more.

Fire up the jet.

Fly it to Bozeman, Montana. We have a private airfield for wealthy people such as yourselves. There are many beautiful things to see in our area. There is a plethora of fine dining options. You could stay at Bill Gates' house in the Yellowstone Club.

I will pick you up at the airport, and drive you to my house.

There, in my living room, in return for the tidy sum of $ 250, per member, you will perform a simple, two-hour set to honor me, just as you honored Mr. Ertegun on December 10th, 2007.

Hmm? Hmm?

Think about it.

It's the right thing to do.

It's what he would have wanted.

This is not a joke. If you want, I can throw in some light refreshments, as well as a bowl of m&m's with all of the brown ones removed.

Thank you for your kind consideration of this outstanding, and if I may say, generous offer.


Your Biggest Fan,

Joseph M. Militello, Jr., Esq.

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