Thursday, May 08, 2008

It took all the strength I had just not too fall apart

There has been a delay in your regularly scheduled programming here at The Dude Abides due to a little thing called life. In sum, I had to rebound after a double "vacation"*

*Not sure if driving to Portland to be with your sister and her daughter while the latter undergoes heart surgery qualifies as a "vacation," but a cruise definitely does.

And here are some more pictures:

On the cruise, my sister and I gambled every night. There were a few certified retards playing blackjack. One in particular was this dude from Key West who looked 49 but was actually 37. Visor, cigarette, cocktail and ridiculous betting.

He split kings and doubled down on 13.


Absolutely retarded.

He was playing two hands at a time, $ 200 each, and he drew the 13, doubled down, and on the other hand, two sixes, which he promptly split,

That adds up to $ 800.

He had been losing his ass prior to that, but his retard superpowers actually worked out. Like monkeys on typewriters, knocking out some Hamlet.

He won his bets, took a huge drag and yelled, Skynrd-style, "THAT WAS FUCKIN' STUPID!!! HA HA HA!!! YOU KNOW I GOT BALLS!!!"

A day later he gave my sister Liz a $ 25 chip to fill out his "Player's Club" form. Name. (Milsap) Address. (Key West) D.O.B. (Younger than me. Fuckin' A. This is one functional retard.)

The next night, he sat next to my dad at the table. Not only was he playing his own hands, but he was throwing $ 25 chips on top of my dad's $ 5 bet.

My dad hit a a few in a row and made $ 175 off duder's bets, and all he took back was his $ 25 chip.

Repeat after me, real fast: I Am Sofa King. We Todd Did.

Dude was holding up $ 25 chips, tossing then at the dealer for a tip and lecturing the table, "Y'ALL DON'T UNNERSTAN. Y'ALL DON GET IT. YA TIP, CUZ ITS KARMA!!!

After 4 (5?) days of gambling, I think Liz won $ 500, and I won $ 100.

(We want to team up and play Texas Hold 'Em against these cruise ship people. It'd be like the Special Olympics, though.

Even if you win, you're still retarded.)

Towards the end, dude leans into Liz and says, "YOU GUYS THINK I'M DOIN' GOOD BUT THIS GUY'S KILLIN' ME!"

By the way, when Liz was filling out his "Player's Club" form, she asked him, "Spouse?"

Dude just says, "BITCH."

His wife was standing right behind him, watching him with this tight-lipped Stepford smile.

On the last day, when everyone was sitting around waiting to debark, my mom saw him sitting at the bar a few hours after Liz closed the casino with him.

He was wearing his visor, the same shirt from the night before, shades, and he was looking at the bill they slide under your door at the end of a cruise.

Ours were a page.



Liz and I agreed that it was the most entertaining thing we had ever seen in a casino.


Grand Cayman was cool. Jamaica was OK. It was my second time visiting each place.

I went to Jamaica in ... mmm... 1985? 6?

I was a sophomore in High School and it was a family trip.

Ya, mon.

We all got so freaking sunburned that we had blisters on our faces and shoulders. It was so uncomfortable at dinner when we dressed up that night. Raw.

After I got home, there was something at school- I don't remember exactly - but I was standing on stage in the gym during an assembly. I was wearing "Jams" hawaiian-style shorts, a kickass feathered mullet and a skin cancer, defcon 3, microwaved, supernova tan.

My teeth looked like high beam halogen headlamps against a black night, kind of like the bat signal.

That's why I now prefer kicking it in the shade, maybe playing dominoes or reading a book, wearing that cool, new hat I bought.

The only thing that is missing is the mopeds, the pegboard, my stool, beisbol on the radio and a little brown kid fetching fish tacos.

That's the dream.