Thursday, May 04, 2006

Those crazy Star Waaaaarrrrrrrssss

Someone came here from the following search:

How many parsecs did it take the Falcon to make the Kessel Spice Run?




(And, the answer is 12.)

(And, no. No, I didn't have to look it up.)

(Yes. Yes, I know.)

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, the flags go up

Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup

From: CARP
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 9:01 AM
To: The Dude
Subject: Pet allergies


No worries with the pets. Stacy and I are allergy free.

Did I give you my flight information? Actually, I'm going to rent a car so maybe you could just send me the directions to your house. Any thoughts?


Fom: The Dude
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 10:18 AM
Subject: RE: Pet allergies

Yes- I have your flight info…

I’ll meet you at the airport and lead you to my house.

Directions are a bit complex, especially in the dark. (They aren’t that complex, really, but it is just easier… I am only 10 minutes away.)

Just call my cell right when you land, go get your bags and rental car...

I will be rolling up right when you are deciding whether to fill up the tank on your own or pay $ 5/gallon to have Avis do it.


From: CARP
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 9:28 AM
To: The Dude
Subject: RE: Pet allergies


Try not to crash your car or get a speeding ticket on your way to the airport! Yes, I am going to get the extra insurance--you maniac!


From: The Dude
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 10:29 AM
Subject: RE: Pet allergies

You know, the funny part is that I still think I am a good driver.

The accidents were utter flukes.

The speeding tickets, on the other hand… those were all me.


From: CARP
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006, 10:43 AM
To: The Dude
Subject: RE: Pet allergies


Trust me when I say that you are not a good driver.

I have been in a car with you and feared for my life.

Being able to operate the steering wheel, gas pedal and brakes does not make you a good driver.

You need to pay attention to the road, other cars, people, the speed limit, small children, old ladies crossing the street....

It's pretty hard to do all those things while rocking out to Zeppelin, with the music so loud you can see the sound waves from the speakers.

Not that I object, but let's be honest.

When faced with the decision to scream " Good times, bad times, I know I've had may share..." or stop for the old lady crossing the road...

Old lady 0, Zeppelin 1.


From: CARP
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 11:22 AM
To: The Dude
Subject: RE: Pet allergies

How many vehicles have you trashed in Montana? The Blazer? The Subaru?

By the way, I plan on purchasing as much insurance on the rental car as possible. So, you bring the Zeppelin and we'll head off to Wal-mart and speed around the parking lot -- I hear it's senior citizens day on Thursday!

From: The Dude
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 11:28 AM
Subject: RE: Pet Allergies

I have the Zeppelin Box Set.

They're gonna be pissing their Depends.

I'm wasted again
Passed out, don't know where I am
I'm so wasted again
Blacked out, don't know where I've been or who I am

The following is a guest blog from Jimmyboy.

Jimmy was here in March.

We had a blast.

He has guest blogged before.

He's got carte blanche to ramble here any time he wants.

So, without further ado, a day in the life of Jimmyboy, way Up Nort' in Wisconsin.

I have gone back to my days of extreme weight lifting in the mornings and added some waddling that I call running also. Four miles this morning. I'm fucking fat! Marley loves it. Dr. visit went good. He told me I was extremely obese. Then he asked what I thought good shape for me was. I told him I was 206 and cut a couple years ago. He stated that for my height, that weight is still slightly obese. Fucking Idiot. I know they're not all that stupid, but where is the common sense for some of them?

On a lighter note, here is something that you and your lackeys don't have to deal with on an every day basis. Last week Marley (my dog) shows up with a deer leg in his mouth. No big deal, this happens all the time out here in the country. I take it away from him, toss it back in the woods cause I'm lazy and hung over that day (that really seems to be a theme with me).

A couple hours later I notice fruitcake dog chewing on something in the yard again. You guessed it, deer leg. By this time he's got all the hide chewed off and half of the hoof devoured. So I says to myself, "Self, No harm, No foul".

Three days later, there he is again chewing on a fresh venison leg dejour. This time I get smart. Take the leg, dig a hole and bury it. Case closed right? I'll make this as anti-climatic as possible. Yesterday, he brought me another delicious leg.

So, I'm at the point where I say fuck it. There's gotta only be one more, unless it was a three-legged deer. (Which are not as uncommon as one might think.)

Well this has seemed to go from an email to the Dude informing him of my rotundness to a guest blog.

Now some of you may be thinking "Gee, when a canine eats a part of a deer they will forever chase said deer". Well, my friends, if you stated that you could not be mor far off. That is an old wives tale passed on though many generations. I single-handedly have debunked this theory with many a test subject.

So, since we're on the subject of wildlife... Two weekends ago was my season I drew to hunt turkey's here in wisconsin. I ended up sending in for a party tag with two of my friends.

We head down to my parents house where I grew up. Hunt Thursday morning with no luck. Then hunt Friday morning and my buddy gets a Jake (a jake is an Immature male turkey). So everything is good so far. It's noon on Friday and we have to go to the local tavern to register this turkey.

In Wisconsin, when you harvest a deer or a turkey during there select seasons you have to register them with the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources. Now these registering stations are primarily at local taverns. But there are a some also at gas stations, DNR stations, and USFS ranger stations.

In my home town it's a Bar, and the guy who shot the bird has to buy at least one beer for everyone else. Now keep in mind that we got up at 4AM, have not eaten a thing, hunted till noon and are now at the bar.

The beer tastes good, but come on... when doesn't it?

We have one there then head down to the other bar down the street which a friend of mine has bought recently. In there, the time flies. My friends look more and more tired and I'm drinking two to their one while talking to a couple old friends about what everyone in the town is up to now.

Before I know it it's five, and one of my old friends has to go 20 miles to another town and pick up his girlfriend's dog. My hunting partners say that they are tired and are going back to clean the bird and rest.

I say screw that. I grab a six pack and ride with my old friend to pick up the dog. We get the dog and head back to the bar. When we get back to the bar I'm fading a little and I can feel it. But damn it, I've got staying power, I know I do.

So what do I order up? One RedBull and Vodka please. That always works. After drinking three large ones, my parents and buddies show back up. This is great. We can stay out, drink more and I'll have a ride home. That is one of the last things I can remember.

I woke up the next morning in my underwear, in the pasture next to my parents house. My legs are all cut to shit, one of my knuckles feels like it's broken. I've got a huge scrape on my cheek and my jaw is really really sore. I deduce that my legs are scraped up from getting stuck in the barbed wire fence. But I can't figure anything else out.

I head into my parents house and ask my dad where everyone is? Did they go hunting without me? He then proceeds to tell me that I was throwing food in the house, I tried to beat my hunting buddy up and they had gone back home.

I have no recollection of any of this. I am not a violent person, and I competely flipped out. Roid rage maybe? That would be plausible if I had ever taken them.

I think Jimmy just needs to lay off of that sweet nectar called red bull. I am still learning more and more about what happened. Some of it is kinda funny now that it's a little far removed. I have no clue how my face got road rash on it. My two buddys still have not really talked to me. I can't blame them.

Everytime I ate the next week my jaw and teeth hurt, which tends me to believe that I took some pretty good shots. Maybe I'm a gamer and don't have a glass jaw.

The best part is picturing myself in only my underwear all tangled up in a four wire barbed wire fence.

Anyway, I stayed sober for an entire week after that. The following week, I fell of the wagon and somehow my shoelace got snagged on the aforementioned wagon, which proceeded to drag me around all weekend.

Do I have a drinking problem? Yes. My drinking problem is I can't drink booze. When I drink booze i'm an idiot. My environment chooses for me to drink beer and lots of it.

Besides, it's fishing season here in Sconnie (that's slang for Wis-con-sin) and I'm married to that more than my wife.

Damn, Jimmy.

I told you... stay away from the red bull and heart attack, my friend.

Kid can write, though, no?

We here at the Dude Abides are very proud of our guest bloggers.

And, damn... are we bringin' the content this week or what?

H to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' sheezy my neezy keep my arms so breezy
Can't leave rap alone the game needs me

Haters want me clapped and chromed it ain't easy
Cops wanna knock me, D.A. wanna box me in
But somehow, I beat them charges like Rocky

1. We had a wonderful birthday dinner for India last night. We were both cracking each other up. I love you. Happy Birthday.

2. A $ 1200 beer?

3. If you haven't been watching the NBA for the last week, you are missing the most exciting playoffs in a long, long, long time. The Cavaliers-Wizards game was simply outstanding last night. Gilbert Arenas is one hell of a player, but I'll be damned if LeBron James isn't living up to every last bit of the hype surronding him. The Wizards came back from a 7 point defecit in the final minute+ to send the game into OT. The game stayed tight until the end of OT, when Arenas stole the ball and flashed down the court to lay the ball in. Wizards 120 Cavs 119. 3 seconds left.

Did you say game over? Oh no you di-in't.

Sweet inbounds pass from Hughes to the player everybody knew was getting the ball. James gets by both defenders, making Jamison look like a fool and lays it in with .9 left.

121-120 Cavs.

James finished with 45 and Arenas had 44.

The Kid has arrived. And he's better than Jordan. At age 21 anyway.

This series and the Suns-Lakers series have both been incredible, not to mention the Clips advancing past the first round for the first time in 30 years.

4. After an extended, hermit-like period of solitude, suddenly I am a social butterfly.


Bells comes back Friday.

I've been invited to a Cinco de Mayo party at McC's house. (He invited me by asking me to be the string-puller for the piňata... funny.)

Saturday, I have been invited to join some people on a 14 mile hike in the North Range in Yellowstone. I am really fired up about this.

Carp rolls in next Wednesday night.

I am going to have to re-learn socialization skills.

5. People are weighing in:

"Used to" is unanimous.

"Sooner RATHER than later" is seeing some support over "sooner than later," but to a lesser degree than "used to."

6. I have discovered that there is a disc golf course out near Bridger Bowl. This makes me happy, and it is going to make T-Rex VERY happy when he visits in August.