Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Everybody's got somethingto hide, except for me and my monkey...

I'm worldwide like Epcot, bitches!

Just checked statcounter, and my last ten visitors have been:

Canada, Argentina, U.K., France, Switzerland, U.S., Japan, Austria, Singapore, New Zealand.


I think I am gonna legalize weed, bank in a secret account, sing karaoke, forego dentistry, start smoking long cigarettes and drinking coffee out of tiny cups, mate. Clearly, I have the "ugly American" part down pat already.

This may come as a shocking surprise. I have to walk away. I have to kiss it goodbye. Goodbye my love. ...
Walk away and taste the pain.

I took a political test this morning.

My results will come as no surprise... Although, what is a surprise is that 6 long years ago, one beery night, my good friend and the most courteous vampire you will ever meet, Leo, accurately diagnosed me. We were shooting the shit. Leo is a staunchly conservative republican. (Do you know any outlaw biker gang vampire engineers who aren't?) He also is one of the smartest people I have ever met. Top 3, for sure. I promise you a series of stories explaining the whole Leo phenomenon, but I am waiting for Will Danger to GET OFF HIS ASS and send me the first installment, to set the stage for the saga of Leo, as it were.

But I digress... Leo is a die-hard conservative, which is easy to diagnose, as is a bleeding heart liberal. I was a little harder to place; I didn't even know what I was, politically. Leo, asked me a series of questions, and after about 3 minutes, he said, "You're a libertarian, Joe."

"I'm a fuckin' librarian?"

"No, a libertarian. As sure as my outlaw biker gang courteous vampire eyes can see, you are a libertarian."

"Whassat mean?"

"It means you're kind of liberal socially, but conservative economically.... The party line is basically shrink the government, institute a flat tax, don't fuck up the environment, legalize drugs, guns, abortion, and help the people who really need it, but with an eye to getting them on their feet and off the government's dime."

I was excited. "Wow. That sounds great. Everybody should be a libertarian. Where do I sign up?!"

"Well, that's the problem. The libertarian party candidate is almost always a nutjob."

"So, I'm a really a nutjob? One of the people who build bunkers?" (It is ironic that I eventually moved to Montana...)

"Well, yeah, but not politically speaking. Politically, you're a libertarian; you're just fucking nuts in every other aspect. For some reason, no actual libertarians ever can get anywhere on that ticket. The two party system is too strong. You should check out McCain, though. He's probably as close to your guy as there is."

"How did you get to be so goddamn smart, Leo?"

"Courteous vampire school, Joe. Those bloodsucking bitches taught me everything I know. But it really didn't coalesce til I started doing engineering work for the outlaw biker gang. That's where everything kinda came together for me."

So, here were my test results, yet again proving Leo's well-documented acumen:

Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(66% permissive)

You are best described as a:


You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

How a friggin' computer test can tell I have a sense of "Right and Wrong" is beyond me, but Leo is as smart as any computer I know, so I'm sticking with it.

P.S. Readers: Please send me any Leo stories that you might have... I am going to do one of those sleazy, unauthorized, semi (okay, "mostly") fictional biographies of Leo, here on the blog. The stories don't have to be true, nor do they have to be legal. They do not even have to be well-written. My dad is a t.v. repairman. He has an awesome set of tools. I can fix it.

P.P.S. If anyone has the original round-robin Courteous Vampire story that Will, Dan and I did, please send it.

You know the email.