Thursday, February 09, 2006

Fallin' back on that ass with a hellafied gangsta lean
Gettin' funky on the mic like a' old batch of collard greens

It's the capital S, oh yes, the fresh N double O P
D O double G Y D O double G ya' see.

Forget that whole hipster thing.

That was so, like, thirty minutes ago.

I couldn't take that whiny fucking music. (I know. I like Radiohead. Yes, Thom Yorke could be construed as whiny. Especially by India, every time I play them. Oh, she construes. She construes.)

Instead I am going to roll with the whole O.G. thing.

Instead of going the popular teenage-white-kid-acting-black-in-a-ginormous-throwback-jersey-and-stoopid-baseball-hat route, I am going to go the Original original gangster route.

I am half-Sicilian, half-Irish, just like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, so I figure I am good to go.

Except I am really more of a lover than a fighter.

I am just not that violent. (Except when I vomit.)

I do, however, like to say that I am going to take off my shoe and beat someone with it. All the time, in fact. I guess I like the "concept" of taking off my shoe and beating someone with it, rather than the actual act.

And I really loved the part in the Godfather where James Caan (Sonny) beat up his sister's husband with the old-school metal garbage can. That was sweet.

Except I don't really like garbage.

Isn't there a place in the mob for a guy who stands on the edge of the crowd and threatens to take off his shoe and beat someone with it, cheers his fellow mobsters when they admister the garbage can beatdown, and really pukes himself sore every couple years?

OK, forget the whole gangster thing.

Mostly, I want to eliminate the word "thousand" from my vocabulary, and replace it with "large." Everyone should, really.

Just call your friendly mortgage broker and tell him you have fifteen large for a downpayment, and that you want a loan.

If he tells you that isn't enough and that you will have to pay PMI, threaten to come to his office and vomit in his bathroom.

It won't be pretty.

It's hip to be square

I've decided to become a hipster.

Does anyone know where I can get some thick, black plastic glasses, a vintage Atari t-shirt, some clunky shoes and a circa-1983 adidas warm-up jacket?

I already have a blog, hang out in coffee shops, and in the 80's, I sported a non-ironic mullet. We also own modern, vaguely Japanese furniture.

I am working on the whole artsy-fartsy thing, except I fear I am a whole lot more "fartsy" than "artsy."

Unfortunately, I may have to give up outdoor sports and activities like snowboarding, hiking and running in order to cultivate that pasty-white, greasy hair look.

Worst of all, I am going to have to find out what "emo" music is and listen to it.

Does Weezer count?