Monday, September 18, 2006

Well, hello, Mr. Soul, I dropped by to pick up a reason...

How do you rebuild a broken soul?

I am not sure, but I bet the ancient chinese man knows.

He's the one who keeps an owl in a cage and sells bootleg Jean Claude Van Damme movies.

And he smells a bit like cabbage.


I was talking to my neighbor, Ross, and he unveiled a euphemism for masturbation that was new to me.

"Play a little five-on-one."

I like it.


Here are a couple gems from today's police reports from The Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

-A real estate agent found a dead man in the bathtub of a home that was for sale. The cause of death appeared to be natural. No foul play was suspected.

-A bear was spotted near the intersection of South Eighth Ave. and West Olive Street. (That is right in the middle of town... not on the outskirts.)

And, the best for last:

-A man was blocking traffic in the middle of South Wilson Avenue. He was exposing his genitals to drivers. When officers arrived, the man tucked his genitals between his legs.

Gotta love that...the rollers showed up and he went for the "Mangina," as popularized by Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs and parodied by Jay (multiple times) in Clerks 2.

Sometimes, like this morning, I get so hopped up on cafe lattes that I am like Kramer in the "WHO TOLD YOU TO PUT THE BALM ON?" episode.

Or, like the lesser known SNL character, Phillip the hyper-hypo.

Except without the helmet and harness.

OK, I was wearing a helmet.

Hail to the victors

Saturday was sweet.

My college football world was in harmonic convergence with the stars.

First, my two alma maters (almae matri?), Boston College and USC, were televised here in Bozeman, which was a nice treat.

Boston College beat the BYU Mormons in double overtime (speaking of which, the NCAA football overtime system is retarded), taking command of the ACC Atlantic, and proving that God prefers a Jesuit education. OK, so Virginia Tech may eventually have something to say about that later on (ACC Atlantic, not God's preferences- the school has "Tech" in its name... God doesn't care about them), but I will enjoy BC's day in the sun.

Then Dwayne Jarrett and the USC Trojans gut-stomped the Nebraska Cornhuskers. I say "gut-stomped," because they won by 18. And I won two bets on this game, with Charlie and Husker, the latter of whom I gave 17 points.

Oh, but there was icing on the cake of this sweet, sweet day.

The Badgers won, which makes a lot of my friends and family happy... so it makes me happy.

Miami lost. I hate Miami. (Miami's coach is named Larry Coker. That's funny. Enjoy it while you can, he's getting fired.)

But the sweetest of the sweet, sweet icing was Notre Dame getting their sanctimonious, overrated asses handed to them by Michigan. I may hate Miami, but I really hate Notre Dame.


Moral of the story?

God is a BC fan, hates Notre Dame and schools with "Tech" in their names.

In other God-related news, it is clear, sunny and 68 degrees today, and the mountains are snow-capped. More snow is expected this week, and Big Sky opens November 23rd.

Thank you.

I'm not feelin' it today, so that's all you get.